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What does the word 'Mother' mean? According to the dictionary, which has approximately 17 different explanations of the word, it means a female parent. Now, that is the number one definition of the word. Wow, what a cop out of a definition. Let's take a closer look. The number 9 definition; something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source. Now thats a little bit better. I just want to take a moment and tell you what I think about the word Mother, or most commonly referred to as 'Mom.' The first word that comes to mind when I think of the word Mother is Love. There is an unspoken and unacknowledged bond that is built between a Mother and a child. Not many people are able to explain that. I am certainly not about to try. What I am going to do is tell you what my Mother, the love of my life, means to me. In the last 23 years of my life my mother and I have experienced and accomplished some amazing events. Along with the good stuff comes the bad stuff. Let me first start by saying, "Mom, you have never failed me. Your unconditional love and support through life's hurtles is amazing. I would not trade you for the world." I stole that first part from a man that I met while officiating ice hockey. Over the last year I have seen myself make some radical changes with my personal life. I am continuing to push for what I believe is right. Just recently I watched my life hit an all time low. As my life started to take a mini plunge I fell into a rut of drinking, smoking, anger, rage, hate, uneasiness, unhappiness and worst of all, loneliness. I will say that through all of those steps the only two constant things that I had in my life were God ... and Mom. Now, don't get me wrong both my Father and my Step Father were VERY integral parts of my happiness as well. However, like I said, there is an unexplainable bond between mother and child. As we approach Father's day I will touch on the Fatherly figures of my life. So, here is a small letter to Mom that I think all of you should be able to see. Mom, You have never failed me. And I say that because I stole that phrase from a very genuine person who opened up to me in the locker room when all I wanted to do was cry. As my life started changing and my hurts of life started growing larger and larger I started to isolate myself from what I knew to be right and wrong. One day recently I was assigned two hockey games on a Friday morning. Now typically hockey isn't played at 9 am on a Friday morning. Especially youth hockey. However, there was a special tournament in town that weekend and they had some first round hockey games that day. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Why? Well, it started out with me getting off of shift at about 07:15 hrs. We had been up for a little bit that night. Nothing to major though. It was a relatively easy night at work. I told myself that it wasn't worth going back to the apartment and resting because I would only have to get up in about an hour anyways. So I started to make my trek to the ice rink in Friday morning rush hour traffic. That particular day I had an unusual sense of loneliness as I listened to KLOVE on the radio. So, like I always do, I picked up the phone to make some phone calls. It was like I was on autopilot. The first ring was followed by another, then another, then another. Then someone picked up. A very soft reassuring voice said "Good Morning 2775, May I help you." Ahhhh, there is Mom! "Yes, Susie Kinsley please." "That's me!" What a sigh of relief! So we chatted about all kinds of things. Nothing of importance really. But none the less it was reassuring. As I approached the ice rink we started to wind down our conversation and you mentioned that you wished you could have provided Me and my siblings with much more then you were able to. I informed you that you have done an outstanding job to this point and that you shouldn't worry too much about it. So I gathered my clothing closet on wheels and rolled my hockey stuff into the arena. All the while just reflecting on what you had said to me. I have to admit I was slightly dumbfounded. I didn't really know what to say and this is why I haven't commented on that to this day. I entered the hockey arena and felt at ease. As you know Ice Hockey is an extreme passion of mine and I often use it as a get away. A place that I can go and reflect on life with out having to worry about the pain of life. Yes I know officiating an ice hockey game doesn't seem like it would be too relaxing, but for me it is. I have learned some of my most valuable lessons in life while officiating, coaching, reprimanding, and encouraging the minds of youth hockey players. I proceeded down the long hallway just even with the surface of the ice. I walked past the ref room and picked up the key from the shelf in the Zamboni room. When I entered the referee room I was greeted by my partner for the day. He was a tall healthy looking man probably in his mid to late 30's. We introduced ourselves, since we had never met before, and immediately began to unpack our belongings and get our minds focused on hockey. Now you might think that we discuss hockey to prepare ourselves for hockey, but that isn't always true. We spoke for about 5 minutes or so on our expectations from each other, tournament rules, and little quirks that each of us have during the course of a game. I knew then that I was going to enjoy working with Woody. He was a genuine man. Some how we broke out into conversation about ourselves and our families. Prior to the game I shared with him some information about the recent changes that had been taking place in my life and which direction I felt I needed to head in life to accomplish my dreams. He too shared some information about his family and his life. The time had come where we had to turn that switch off and step onto the playing surface for the better part of 3 hours. Our games went with out a hitch and we commented on the way back to the locker room that all of the teams that we worked with that day had played relatively decent hockey (and I mean relatively.) As we were turning our game faces off and preparing to head back out into the real world, the conversation of "Mom" came to the table. I shared with Woody some of my thoughts and feelings about You and that I wasn't sure what in the world I could do or say that would allow you to see how I felt. He said to me "Chris, let me tell you what I ALWAYS tell my Mother." "Ok ... shoot" "You Have Never Failed Me." I didn't know what to say. Those were the words I was looking for. I was certain of it. Woody and I chatted for another thirty minutes or so and proceeded on with our daily routines. Thanks Woody for the encouraging words. I spent the better part of two months analyzing that phrase. Here is what I have come up with: You have never failed me. Even when my world turns black, when no one wants to talk to me, no one wants to be around me, no one wants me to do nice things for them ... You have never failed me. Your unlimited love and compassion for life carried me through. When our world changed at the low point of yours and Dad's marriage, I experienced some rather interesting emotions. We had some rough days to say it mildly. You never failed me. You continued to triumphantly place everyone but yourself on a magical thrown higher than eagles. Again, you never failed me. You never failed me or Alex or Brianna. You have never failed at life. You may look back on things and say "I really wish I could have provided them with a better life." Better than what?!?! Take a look at all the hurt and anger and dysfunction that this world stews in. I wouldn't want anything different that what we have. Your selfless and magnanimous lifestyle rubs off on EVERYTHING and EVERYONE you come in contact with. You have taught me the meaning of life just like Dr. Randy Pausch has done for millions, if not billions at this point, of other people. I don't meant that went to college, got a PhD and became a professor at a prestigious university. I mean that you take every moment of your life and give everything you have. You take every moment you possibly can to glorify others. You have for the entire length of your life placed yourself last in line. You can't measure in words, numbers, pie charts, bar graphs or grids the value your worth. You have taught me to love in ways I never knew how. You have always encouraged the three of us to be people that we wanted to be. You have never said No to any ambition or journey we have wanted to travel in life. Hence the reason that I live so far away. Even when it wasn't something that you thought would be good you always found a way for us to try and you forced us to succeed. When I come home with less than favorable results on a test, or a broken heart from a failed relationship, or anger from a disagreement, or frustration from a job, or excitement from a new found activity; You have never failed me. You have continued to push me to be a Godly man. Proverbs 12:25 states "Worrying weighs a person down, an encouraging word cheers a person up." You have taken that and glorified it in my life through God's wisdom. You continually rapid fire encouraging words to every particle of life, and its addictive. This letter could go on for days, months, years, heck ... it's an eternal letter. But the one thing I want you to take away from this is "You have never failed me." I may not always admit that you are right, and I may need to try and figure it out on my own, but what you're doing everyday makes life worth it. You're my best friend, the love of my life. I continue to run the obstacle course of life and wouldn't change one bit of it, because of you. There is so much that is unsaid but I can't find human words for it. Keep doing what you're doing, it's paying off. Proverbs 12:20 states "There is deceit in the hearts of those who plot evil, but joy for those who promote peace." You have done nothing but promote peace in my life and for that I am eternally great full. Thank you for teaching, loving, molding, and encouraging the three of us. You are my inspirational guidance in life and I strive to have a heart of gold like you. I hope that you can find joy in the month of May. I know Mother's day is around the corner but this particular month of May is an exceptionally special one. As we approach Brianna's graduation I am sure you will be experiencing some sadness. I just want you to remember how you promoted peace in our lives and know that Joy is here. I am incredibly proud of the lasting impression you doused upon me, Alex and Brianna. I am incredibly proud of you and your worldly accomplishments. You should be too. It doesn't matter what you do for a living, it doesn't matter that you can't tell me what you do. I know. I know what you do every day from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep. Everyone does, and it's simple. You love. That's your job. You love on life and everything that speeds by you. Thank you for pushing me to be like Randy Pausch even before I knew who he was. You should be proud of who you are and what you have done for us. Don't look back on what you could have done, but see what you have given us. Thank you for being my best friend. I want you to walk away from this letter with a smile, because that's who you are. I want you to walk away from this with a large feeling of self worth. You are worth every atom in your body and there is no reason why you shouldn't feel great about what you have done. Hold your head up high, hold it up with pride. You have touched the world in a way that no one else will be able to. Except for the three of us. I know you are proud of who we are and what we have accomplished. But we are just as proud of you. I am very proud of you. I love you. Most importantly, You have never failed me. Happy Mother's Month. Love, Chris P.S. So you wonder why I place this on the front page of my website for the world to see? Because I feel like the world should see. And really? When have I not made a production out of something? I hope I didn't embarrass or flatter you too much. If I had an hour to live, an hour to love, You are who I would call, That's what I would say, And I didn't wait. For those of you that don't understand that last sentence read the book "An hour to live, an hour to love" |
